dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
