I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
