We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
