When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize