no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
