i wish there were pregnant emoticons
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
