Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
