I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
