you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize