nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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