I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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