i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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