I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
