I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
