shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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