my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
