u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I am naked and annoyed.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
