I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
How many fucks given?
0.12846
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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