I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
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