Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
