Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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