it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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