Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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