he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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