How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
