The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
