i just wanna soil my oats bro
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
