My underwear smells like fireworks.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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