He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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