So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize