Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
