I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize