The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
