So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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