my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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