I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
