I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
