i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize