Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
