My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
