We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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