So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
