My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
