So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
