your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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