Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
just tell him i said nine months
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
