Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
