Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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