I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
