Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
