I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
