Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
3pm strippers are depressing
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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