I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
