I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
