You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize