I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
