I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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