please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
