Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
