4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Randomize