i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
