My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
