I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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