she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
