If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
