Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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