saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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