Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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