bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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