turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
