I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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