and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I need a burrito and a hug.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
