when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
