Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize